


Freeze Your Brain

by abusemesoftly



Category: Criminal Minds
Genre: Angst, Awesome, Blood, Cutter Reid, Cutting, Garcia to the Rescue, I am Reid, I've gone crazy with tags now, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, M/M, Poor Spencer, Reid and I are one, Reid is me, Self-Harm, Trigger warning cutting, sorry - Freeform, trigger warning blood, tw
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-23
Updated: 2016-10-23
Packaged: 2018-08-24 04:06:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,834
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8356528
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/abusemesoftly/pseuds/abusemesoftly
Summary: Spencer needs an outlet once he's clean and turns to a bad habit that he struggles with. The team finds out and Garcia comes in and saves the day. Depiction of self harm.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys, so I was really bad tonight so I wrote this instead of doing something bad to myself. Because if I can’t hurt myself what’s the next best thing-my characters right? (and by my characters I do not own criminal minds.) But really guys if you do like I do and go to AO3 for emotional things to read that will encourage the bad thinking please talk to someone, that one person that said “hey, anytime really” that you don’t know if they meant it or not, or if nothing else message me on tumblr and I will talk to you, but if reading about it helps suppress some of the feelings, like it also does me on occasion than have at it. You’ve been warned, let’s get started.

Spencer ran his fingers over his shirt sleeve for the sixth time in the last few hours. It was starting to become some sort of habit for him. The bumps were a continuous reminder that he was human, and real, and alive. Something he needed, especially on days like this. Nothing bad had happened, it was a relatively normal day, mundane actually, but the later in the day it got the more off the air around him felt. He couldn’t help the sudden depression that crept upon him, it came out of nowhere as it usually did. He had no warning and no triggers that had gone off, it was happening more and more now, and he couldn’t help but run his fingers over his shirt to relive the feeling that should calm him down, but only put him more on edge, made him want more. Need more. Finally, he decided that it couldn’t wait until he got home, he needed to now… it was close enough to the end of the day, and it was Friday, he could easily just head home, so he decided he would pack up and say goodbyes before he left to the bathrooms, and then he would head home.

He put up his files, reorganized his desk, turned his light off, and reached under to grab his bag before standing up. He put the strap across his chest and looked up for a second only to see three pairs of eyes on him, worried, scared, unsure.

“I’m going to head home guys, I have a new collection coming tomorrow and I need to find room on my shelves somewhere.” He said offering a small smile. It was true, he was smart enough to not lie to the nation’s best profilers.

“Spencer is everything alright? You’re just acting kind of strange…” Morgan spoke up and stood going around to lean against the shared wall of their desks.

“Yes? I’m fine.” He said giving him a confused and slightly offended look.

“You don’t look fine; you know you can talk to us right Spence?” JJ offered up and gave her best sympathetic mother look.

Spencer rolled his eyes.

“Yes I’m quite aware of that, as I seem to be talking to you now.” He said getting annoyed now, he needed to go…he needed to take the edge off before he did something really stupid.

He shifted his footing and held on tighter to his bag strap. He took a step to move around Morgan and head off. That ended quickly when Morgan moved his arm out and grabbed Spencer’s arm to halt his movements. Instead he got a hiss and a strong jerk movement to have the arm retracted. Much stronger than he had ever felt Spencer be.

“Spencer…if you are using again you need to tell us.” He said standing up, the doubt in his voice gone. He spoke quietly but they all saw the movement and had the same looks of disappointment.

“Excuse me?” Spencer asked stepping back and holding his arm subconsciously protecting it from Derek and the rest. He looked around to all of them.

“You heard me kid. Look, we just want to know so we can help y- “

“I am not using again.” He said not loud but sure enough so the three of them would hear, not just Morgan.

“I know you are.” Derek said with a sigh. He didn’t want to do this, not in front of all of them. This should be a one on one thing.

“Really how?” He asked his voice cracking, he needed to just leave, he needed to stop talking and participating in this conversation. He was angry now and he could feel himself getting closer to the edge the longer he stood here.

“Because of this!” Morgan sort of snapped and grabbed his wrist and pushed the slightly too big shirt sleeve up to his elbow, looking down expecting to see small puncture marks where he had injected, like before. Instead his eyes couldn’t stop looking and red angry lines, up and down his arm, high enough that a sleeve moving wouldn’t show anything, but definitely there if you just rolled it up a bit. He was frozen and he hadn’t even breathed sense he pushed the shirt up. He was so sure he was right. From behind him he could hear the two girls stand up, and Emily gasped softly and sat back down. JJ just sort of stood like Morgan.

Spencer pulled his arm back and pushed his sleeve down quickly, unaware of the tears running down his cheeks. The noise had gotten the attention of Aaron and Rossi. They stood in their doorways and looked at each other having a silent conversation, wondering the same things.

“Fuck you!” Spencer yelled. Looking around he realized he was the freak again. The time had come like he knew it would. He was the freak at another place. All eyes on him as he stood awkwardly crying, proven now to be weak and pathetic.

“Fuck all of you. I wish I had never joined this damn team! You all act like everything is perfect all the time and no one respects anyone’s privacy!” He shouted looking up to notice his other teammates near their offices. He turned to leave before he halted in place digging through his bag until he pulled out a small purple chip. He threw it at Derek, almost hitting him in the face if he hadn’t caught it.

“You seem to need this more than I do.” He said coldly and walked off out the doors and down the stairs to leave the floor at least, get away from them all before he could find a bathroom, without a chance of them following.

Derek looked down at the chip and sighed handing it to JJ as he walked to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee. She and Emily looked at the chip together as JJ ran her thumb over the engraved number two, celebrating two years of sobriety. Hotch looked upset as he went back into his office leaving Rossi to go figure out what had happened.

Spencer shut the bathroom door, locking it from the inside and then going to the baby station where he all but dumped out his bag as he ignored his phone buzzing away with calls from Aaron. Once he found his small locked box, no bigger than the razor in it, he opened it quickly running his fingers over the cool metal that glared in the reflection of the lights above.

He sat against the cold tile and rolled his sleeve up carefully, unlike how Derek did it earlier. He took the blade and ran it across his skin not even hissing anymore at the pain, just accepting and welcoming it like an old friend. He did the same thing eight more times and then once more slightly deeper closer to the crook of his arm, a reminder that he was not using anymore, that he did not depend on drugs, that he no longer needed to keep that skin clear for spots to use.

He put the blade down and stood up on shaky legs and went over to the sink and turned on the cold water, taking some of it in a cupped hand he let it run over the fresh cuts and winced as it left sharp pains over his arm, washing the blood off like that for a while until it was all gone and the skin didn’t look as irritated he then took some paper towels and wrapped them around his small arm and walked over to his bag for his tape. Keeping some in his bag for these instances, he tapped the brown paper towels over his skin and put his sleeve down again as he buttoned it and slowly put his items back in his bag. Picking up his phone he had two missed calls from Hotch, one from JJ, and a few texts. Opening his phone, he read the text from Rossi asking him to call when he was ready, one from Emily apologizing, and one from his boss telling him to take the weekend to regroup, but that once he was ready they needed to talk.

He was smart enough to know that addiction didn’t have to just be drugs, but right now he needed this to be here for him. He wasn’t ready to admit that he was once again addicted. He didn’t want to admit that he couldn’t handle his problems, and treated the stress like a teenage girl. He couldn’t help the thoughts in his head, battling, his adult doctor side trying to think rationally about why he did it, that it was in fact not at all just for teenage girls, and another side telling him he needed more, more room to cut, more space, new space, like other arms, legs, stomach, anywhere he could. He could feel himself needing and wanting new spaces to cut. For now though he kept it in one small space on his forearm. That was good enough for now.

He was about to put his phone up when the screen lit up and a colorful picture showed up along with an alert that there was in incoming call. He answered it and lifted the phone to his head,

“Hey Garcia.”

“How’s my favorite boy wonder? Hey! I was thinking that there is that new middle eastern place that opened up on third street, and you love new food, and I’m sure you had all sorts of interesting facts about their culture and I need a dinner date tonight, you in?” She asked bubbly as ever, unaware of what all just went down, perks of being locked up in her cave.

“I would love to Garcia…what time?” He asked simply, a smile coming across his face.

They talked a bit more Spencer still sat on the floor with his bag next to him and his arm wrapped in makeshift gauze. They agreed on a time and she told him the exact address and they decided on a movie afterwards as well. She ended the call with a classic line of hers and he smiled a silent ‘thank you’ to Garcia and the world. Someone that didn’t need to know, and didn’t think of or treat him any differently. Someone who understood him.

**Don’t worry about baby boy, I’ve got him tonight. -PG-NOT 13**

She sent the text to both Derek who had went straight to her about what happened, but the others as well. She knew far too well what Spencer was up to, and if he was a few years late to the party oh well, she knew how to handle it. She gave a sad smile to her phone as the team thanked her and texted about other things. Today she would be the hero to big genius baby Spencer Reid.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks guys, again if you need someone to talk to add me on tumblr @ iwantyourbloodonmylips I don’t know if I want to make this a series or not, I’ll probably just make it a collection if I decide I want to add more about my babies being hurt somehow. Till then guys, be safe, and have a good night.


End file.
